Every now and then I play with blog search to see what other people are saying in the SEO industry. Lee Odden’s big list of SEO blogs captures just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to SEO blogging. You seldom find anything really useful in the search results.
In fact, most of what you find consists of pitches for mysterious SEO software that is absolutely going to change your life…OR its blah-blah blog content that rehashes already well documented SEO ideas (both dumb and smart).
There is a common theme to many of these blog and forum posts (you do know that blog search indexes forums, right?): the promoters drag out their sales pitches with large, red-fonted headings, stuff their content with testimonials, and toss out numbers “showing” you how they achieved top rankings in many undisclosed queries. In doing so, of course, they create an endless stream of copy that is tightly focused and well optimized. Well, maybe “optimized” is not quite the word you should use.
Here, let me show you how it works.
These are examples of the testimonials I could use to bamboozle you with my expertise.
“Michael Martinez offers the greatest SEO advice in the industry. His sure-fire tips and techniques have helped me increase my return on investment over 400%!”
John Murphy Redding, Suburban SEO Guru
But wait, that’s not all! Here is another testimonial from a satisfied reader!
“I have found the SEO Theory blog to be the best secret weapon in my SEO arsenal. I have never failed to win a campaign by following Michael’s advice! Anyone who ignores this blog is doomed to SEO extinction!”
Carlton Harmon Bliss, The SEO Survivalist
And don’t forget my all-time favorite testimonial:
“Without Michael Martinez’ help, the world would never have known about my scientific research and historic discoveries of lost civilizations and forgotten eras of our past. SEO Theory provides a superb and most outstanding example of how to apply the scientific principle to search engine optimization.”
Dr. Reinhard van Gelder, Royal Museum of Antiquities in Amsterdam
Now that I have dazzled you with my testimonial brilliance, I will continue to tell you absolutely nothing about my unique SEO secrets and the super secret SEO ninja swarm technology that has helped me land account after account and drive many Web sites to the top of search results.
Behold these amazing and unbelievable statistics!
#1 listing for a keyword with 12,000,054 results!
#1 listing for a highly competitive keyword with 5,000,000 results!
#1 listing in 3 weeks for a keyword with 49,354,261 results!
#1 listing for 6 months for a keyword with 25,000,000+ results!
#1 listing in 7 weeks that lasted a year for a keyword with 39,400,000 results!
#1 listing on Google and Yahoo! for 17 weeks straight!
#1 listing on Ask, MSN, and Google for a keyword with combined 105,000,000 results!
Given statistics like that, you should be convinced by now that I control the real SEO secrets that you have been searching for.
And it will only cost you $100 — $50 — $39 — no! only $20 to buy my powerful, secret-laden eBook (and the accompanying CD is mailed to you free of charge!).
But wait! There’s more! After all, I haven’t told you about all the great secrets you’ll learn when you buy a copy of The Ultimate Secret-Laden SEO Secrets Handbook. When you get your copy you’ll find chapters that tell you:
- The number 1 most overlooked secret tip and technique in SEO (and how it takes just 5 minutes to implement it)
- Three pieces of secret SEO code that will get your pages crawled and indexed faster than ever before
- Two secret places where you can embed keywords on your page and the search engines won’t know what hit them!
- How to analyze your competitors’ Web sites with the latest Haymaker SEOtm tools!
- Six successful SEO copywriting secrets that you have never seen before
- One dozen ways to get high value links without even asking for them
- Several chapters that promote our other ebooks and Haymaker SEOtm products
Still not convinced that this stuff sells? Hey, let’s talk about the cool new Haymaker SEOtm series of tools that you can only get from SEO Theory.
First up is our (soon-to-be-patented) Haymaker SEOtm LinkFinder. This great tool scours the Web for you, looking for relevant Web sites that you can get free links from by pinging, fake referring, and fake trackbacking. The Haymaker SEOtm LinkFinder is the only tool of its kind because it assesses whether a Web site is capable of passing value through its links before suggesting the site to you!
Then you’ll want to try our (also soon-to-be-patented) Haymaker SEOtm KeywordStinger. This tool looks at all the analytics data you capture for your Web site and compares it to advertising trend tools, query trend tools, and shows you where your copy is most likely to succeed in previously unoptimized monetizable search results! You no longer have to rely on guesswork for your keyword research. Just go write copy, embed some analytics tags in your pages (the more the merrier), and wait for Haymaker SEOtm KeywordStinger to zoom in on targetable keywords that no one else has yet figured out optimization plans for. Disclaimer: Use of this software is resource intensive. Do not run Haymaker SEOtm KeywordStinger on a live Web server, as it may crash your sites.
We’re working on Version 2.0, optimizing performance and reducing its need for resources.
And if that isn’t enough, we’ve also created Haymaker SEOtm SuperCopyist. Tired of those crappy Markov-chain tools that write ridiculous copy that even a pre-school reader can figure out is spam? We’ve developed new technology that uses artificial intelligence to take any point you suggest and elaborate on it at length, including relevant citations from books and Web sites, embedding quotes from famous theorists in the field, and organizing your copy in a hierarchical orthology that no search engine can filter out. This is the revolutionary ThinkCopy technique that you’ve been hearing rumors about. Now, all of your Web sites will look like they were written by brilliant scientists and thought leaders in their fields.
But wait! That’s not all! You can also:
We may soon introduce an affiliate program where you can resell all these great tips and tools, using our Haymaker Marketingtm Testimonial Cruncher to churn out the best, most successful testimonials on the Web. Now, not just any fool will believe your outrageous claims and mysterious crap, you’ll be able to fool even discerning people who wouldn’t normally trust you farther than the nearest maximum security prison. They’ll see absolutely no reason to doubt your testimonials because our Haymaker Marketingtm Testimonial Cruncher not only creates faux Web sites using the names it generates, it uses super secret stealth technology to get those people listed on other Web sites, maybe even including some sites that look like telephone directories.
No one will ever know that your faux testimonials were not written by real people.
On top of that, we’ll throw in our tried and proven Haymaker SEOtm Grammar Corrector, the best tool on the Web for correcting all those lazy, sloppy spelling and grammatical mistakes that make your cheap sleazy sales pitches look like they were written by an illiterate moron who was so excited about his latest scam he stayed up all night composing the longest-damned sales pitch he could think of. You no longer need to rely upon cocaine, caffeine, or energy drinks to pump up your amateurish writing skills. Haymaker SEOtm Grammar Corrector will make your every forum and blog post look like it was written by a professional and checked three times by copy editors.
That is the secret to SEO success. You don’t actually have to optimize for search if you can make money by selling eBooks, SEO tools, and other gimmicks that are proven (by your smarmy sales pitches) to bring in effective profits for someone (even if it’s just you). No matter how many times you post the same ridiculous statistics and unbelievable testimonials on the Web, no matter how many empty claims you make about secret SEO techniques, SEO secrets that other people overlook, and all those secret SEO things that no one in their right mind could possibly figure out, you’ll never have to worry about the search engines figuring out that you’re not really offering people anything of value.
After all, as long as people are willing to pay you to scarf up outdated SEO techniques and embed them in an eBook, your future is guaranteed. And as long as people think they can use your SEO tools to gain an advantage over other SEO tools that have not been put out on the Web, you have an endless revenue stream.
Don’t go crying to your mammas when your Web sites get knocked out of the search results. If you don’t take us up on this one-time offer (that may be made on other Web sites with or without our knowledge), you may never find out what it means to enjoy life at the top of the search results, any search result, for just a few pennies per day.
Yes, if you take advantage of these great Secret SEO Tools and Secret SEO Tips today, you’ll enjoy more success and profit than if you wait a week, a month, or a year. Don’t hesitate! Don’t dither! Don’t ask yourself, “Is this for real?”
Just do it! Go for it! Now is the time!
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Carlos 08.18.08 at 12:33 pm
Hands down the funniest post I have read today.
incrediblehelp 08.18.08 at 6:47 pm
As always funny stuff MM
bwelford 08.18.08 at 9:37 pm
Wow those Calls to Action were powerful stuff. You almost got me going with the flow there. Good one.
rhymeface 08.19.08 at 3:41 am
NICE! Where do I sign up???
Kevin Boss 08.19.08 at 4:20 am
I’m very interested in the SEO ninja swarm technology
phaithful 08.19.08 at 7:31 am
Heh, so where do I sign up? That Haymaker technology sounds really good! And all just for $20!!! Sweet! Where’s the big button to press so I can start making the mad ca$h.
hmmm… wait a second… How do I know this is legit? I didn’t see your fake signature at the bottom of copy.
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