More SEO Jokes Than You Can Link To!

For those of you who enjoyed the first round of SEO jokes, here are a few more.

Todd Friesen and Saint Peter

Todd Friesen died and went to Heaven. As he was standing before the Pearly Gates Saint Peter looked him up and down and said, “Todd, you shouldn’t be here. Your time hasn’t yet come. I’m sending you back to Earth to live out the rest of your natural days.”

“Sounds good,” said Todd. “I’m supposed to be partying with the SEOs at a new conference next week anyway.”

Saint Peter hesitated a moment and said, “Is it true what they say? Do the SEOs really party hearty?”

“All night and day,” Todd said with a smile. “The fun never stops.”

Saint Peter looked over his shoulder and then behind Todd. He motioned for Todd to lean in closer. “Listen,” he whispered. “I’ve been guarding the Pearly Gates a long time. I could use a vacation. Would you mind spending a week here before I send you back?”

Todd thought about it for a moment. “What the heck,” he said. “A week isn’t so long and I don’t mind doing a good deed once in a while.”

So Todd switched places with Saint Peter, who went down to Earth to hang with the SEOs at the new conference. He spent seven days listening to panelists talk about links and social media and Yahoo! and Google and gizmos ….

At the end of the week Saint Peter was exhausted. He returned to the Pearly Gates and found a crowd of dead souls standing with Todd.

“I knew I shouldn’t have made this bargain,” Saint Peter said.

“Why is that?” Todd asked. “Didn’t you go to the conference?”

“Of course!” Saint Peter answered.

“And didn’t you meet the people at the conference?” Todd asked.

“Of course!” Saint Peter answered.

“And didn’t you hang out at the bar I told you about?” Todd asked.

“Every night,” Saint Peter replied. “But it was so boring. No one was there. I had to listen to the bartender tell me jokes about Bill Gates dying and going to Heaven. I don’t understand.”

“Understand what?” Todd asked.

“I don’t understand why the place seemed so dead,” Saint Peter said in disgust. “I thought there would be a big party at that conference.”

Todd laughed and said, “Dude! The party’s with ME!”

The Three SEOs and the Fairy Godmother

Three SEOs were plotting their strategies one evening late into the night when they all fell asleep. In their dreams they were visited by a sweet and beautiful fairy god-mother named Matticia. “You have all been so good, abiding by search engine guidelines, you may each have one wish,” Matticia said softly.

The first SEO thought quickly and said, “I wish I had a magical link building pen. Every request I send out will get a link back.”

Matticia waved her wand, sparkling stuff came flying out the end, and the first SEO felt a tingly sensation all up and down. A pen appeared in the first SEO’s hand.

The second SEO said, “I wish I had a magical Mirror of Link Baitiness. I want my Web sites to be so beautiful people will always link to their natural beauty.”

Matticia waved her wand again, and sparkly stuff went flying around the second SEO, who felt all tingly deep inside. A mirror appeared in the second SEO’s hand.

In the morning, the three SEOs woke up all excited. The first SEO looked down and saw Matticia’s pen. “Look!” the first SEO said. “With this magic pen I’ll always be able to get whatever links I ask for!”

The second SEO held up the mirror and said, “But I will never have to ask for links again. People will always link to the natural beauty of my Web sites.”

They then looked at the third SEO, who glanced downward and shuffled his feet. “Well?” said the first SEO. “Yeah, what did you wish for?” the second SEO asked.

“Nah, you wouldn’t want to know,” the third SEO told his friends. They insisted they wanted to know what Matticia did for him. “Really, you don’t want to know,” he replied. But the first two SEOs demanded to know what wish Matticia had granted to the third SEO.

“Well,” he said slowly, “You both had such great ideas I figured I wouldn’t be able to out-optimize your sites. So I asked Matticia to 301-redirect all your sites to mine.”

Barry Schwartz on a Desert Isle

Barry Schwartz grabbed a flight to Australia one day, intending to visit a big SEO conference. About halfway through the flight the plane went down and Barry survived. He swam ashore on a deserted island. For the next six months he struggled to survive, eating coconuts, occasionally catching some fish, and generally working on a deep tan.

One day a beautiful woman came up to the beach where Barry was sitting under a palm tree. She was only wearing torn remnants of a flight attendant’s uniform. “Oh, I see you survived the crash, too,” she said to Barry.

“I had no idea anyone else was on this island,” Barry told her.

“Oh, I actually found another island about ten miles away,” she told him. “I built a house and made a sailboat so I could explore the islands in this area.”

Barry was a bit embarrassed. “How did you build a house and sailboat?” he asked.

“With the tools I made from volcanic glass and rock,” the woman answered. “Hey, why don’t you join me for dinner? I haven’t had any company in ages.”

Barry agreed and followed her back to her boat, which turned out to be a 40-foot sloop. “Why didn’t you use this boat to get home?” Barry asked her.

“Because my weather station tells me the storm season won’t end for another three weeks,” the woman told him. “Looks like I found you just in time for the trip home.”

“Wow!” Barry said. “How did you make a weather station?”

“I salvaged parts from a crashed World War II airplane,” she said.

When the boat reached the woman’s island she tied it up at a dock made from bamboo and coconut tree trunks. She took Barry’s hand and led him up a stone-paved pathway between festively decorated bushes to a three-story house built into a hillside. Romantic music was playing over loud speakers.

“Wow!” Barry said. “How did you get a sound system?”

“I salvaged the sound system from the airliner we were on,” the woman told him. “The parts washed ashore about two months ago and I just finished installing the system yesterday.”

“But where did you get the electricity?” Barry asked. The woman pointed out the window at a windmill. “I catch the wind and it drives an old generator from the WW II plane wreck.”

The woman then took Barry up to the bedroom, which contained a large comfortable bed, a bathroom with a tub and shower, two walk-in closets, several dressers and other furniture. She turned to Barry and said, “Why don’t you freshen up in the bathroom while I change into something comfortable.”

Barry went into the bathroom and found a swordfish razor. He showered, shaved, and put on some clothes she had laid out for him. When he came out of the bathroom Barry found the beautiful woman sitting on the bed wearing nothing but a loose-fitting sarong.

“So now that you feel better and clean,” she said softly, “Is there anything else you’d like to do? Maybe something you haven’t been able to do for the past six months?”

“Wow!” Barry said. “You mean you can browse the SEO forums from here too?”

Matt Cutts At The End of the Bar

Matt Cutts died and went to Heaven. Standing in line, waiting to see Saint Peter, he saw a sign alongside the path that read, “This way to the Pearly Gates Bar and Grill.” Figuring he had time to kill, Matt followed the sign and soon found himself at a large, glamorous bar. There seemed to be no crowd so he went inside and sat down at the bar.

“Why so glum?” the bartender asked.

“Well, I just died,” Matt answered.

The bartender patted him on the shoulder and said, “Happens all the time. But you should be happy! You’re in line to see Saint Peter.”

“I suppose so,” Matt said. “I just wish I had died in better circumstances.”

“What happened?” the bartender asked.

“Well, I had a heart attack,” Matt told him. “I dreamed I was a fairy god-mother granting wishes for SEOs. It was shocking to see how friendly I could be with them. My heart couldn’t take the strain.”

“That’s terrible!” the bartender cried in dismay. But then he leaned in close to Matt. “You know, that guy at the other end of the bar has a worse story to tell than you.”

Matt looked down at the other end of the bar and saw Barry Schwartz sitting there. “Barry! What are you doing here?” Matt yelled.

“You don’t want to know,” Barry said.

Matt moved over to sit beside Barry. “You can tell me, man. We’re buds!”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Barry said.

But with a little gentle prodding from Matt, and another drink provided by the bartender, Barry opened up at last. “Well, I was in a plane crash,” he said.

“That’s terrible!” Matt cried. “Did it hurt much?”

“Oh, I survived,” Barry reassured him. “I swam to a deserted island and was stranded there for six months.”

“How awful,” Matt said disconsolately. “It must have been really cruel, dying alone like that.”

“Oh, no!” Barry said. “The most beautiful, intelligent woman on Earth rescued me. She took me back to her island and let me take a shower and dress in clean clothes in a house she built from the ground up with volcanic rocks and airplane parts. It was really totally awesome.”

“So then how did you die?” Matt asked.

“I don’t know what happened,” Barry told him. “One minute I was thinking I’d get to check on the SEO forums and the next minute she was screaming bloody murder and hurtling me over a cliff. I died on the rocks below, broken and crushed by the waves.”

“That’s really sad,” Matt said. “But if you were finally with a beautiful woman after being stranded all by yourself for a long time, why did you want to check the SEO forums?”

“I thought my story would be great link bait,” Barry muttered. “Besides, my wife would have killed me if I had done anything else.”

Matt nodded his head in understanding and they sat together in silence for a minute while the bartender wiped glasses behind the bar. Then suddenly the doors to the bar flew open and an angry man came storming in, throwing chairs and tables right and left.

“Hey, hey, hey!” the bartender cried in alarm. “Please don’t break up my bar! What happened?”

“You wouldn’t believe it!” the angry man yelled. “I don’t believe it! What a week! This has been the worst week of my life!”

“It can’t be that bad,” the bartender said. “These two guys just died under extremely humiliating circumstances. What happened to you?”

“Humliation?” the angry man cried. “I’ll tell you about humiliation! I spent a week listening to stuffy SEOs who don’t know a thing about the universe, waiting for the party to begin, only to come back here and find that not only has that Friesen brought the party here — HE LIKES MY JOB!”