So we were sitting around the office, picking on SEOs, and someone said, “Hey, Michael, why don’t you put these on the blog?”
Well, I suppose I could. So, without further ado, here is a selection of 1st Query SEO humor.
How many SEOs does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: 15. You need 1 to do the keyword research to make sure you’re changing the right light bulb, one to optimize the light bulb, and 13 to get the links.
Rand Fishkin, Prophet
Rand Fishkin died and went to Heaven. As he was looking around and hobnobbing with the Saints the Lord summoned Rand before him.
“Rand, I’ve always admired your work,” the Lord said.
Truly humbled, Rand said, “Thank you, Lord. I only hope I can please you here in Heaven as well as I did in life.”
The Lord thought for a moment and said, “Actually, there is one little favor you can do for me.”
“Anything, Lord,” Rand said.
“I want you to return to Earth and prepare the world for my imminent arrival, Rand.”
Astonished, Rand gladly accepted the assignment. The Lord snapped his fingers and Rand returned to life. He gathered the SEOmoz team around him and said, “I’ve got great news to share with you and one bit of bad news!”
The mozzers waited anxiously. “First,” Rand said, “God loves me! He really, really loves me! I died and went to Heaven and I know my place is assured in the afterlife!”
The mozzers ooh’d and ah’d. “That’s great, Rand!” they all said.
“Next,” he continued, “I’ve got a very important mission. I am now an official Prophet for the Lord!”
The mozzers’ eyes widened and they all congratulated him.
“But the bad news is that the world is going to end next Sunday.”
The team were sort of bummed and they didn’t say anything. But after a moment Rand looked over at Rebecca Kelley, who was just smiling and grinning like the Cheshire Cat.
“Rebecca, why are you smiling?” Rand asked her. “You don’t know if you’re going to Heaven or not!”
“Yeah,” Rebecca said, “but we’re going to get so many links!”
Matt Cutts and the two SEOs
Matt Cutts was speaking at a conference and two SEOs came into the hall, yelling and screaming at each other. The audience looked angry but no one said anything as the two SEOs sat down in the back of the room. Matt went on with the rest of his presentation and then he opened the floor for questions.
After a few minutes one of the two noisy SEOs in the back of the room raised his hand. Matt reluctantly called upon him. “Can you tell me why my buddy gets to spam your index but every time I put up a new site your algorithm bans me?”
The second SEO says, “Hey, wait a minute! I’m not a spammer!”
Matt holds his hands up for calm before a fight erupts. “Let’s not be nasty here,” he says. “Let’s first make sure your friend is spamming.”
The first SEO is quiet for a moment, then shrugs, leans down, and types a few things into his laptop. “Okay,” he says. “He’s spamming. Now what?”
Danny Sullivan, Jerry Yang, Larry Page, and Sergey Brin playing golf
Danny Sullivan was playing golf with Jerry Yang, Sergey Brin, and Larry Page. Brin and Page were chewing up the clock on every hole with meticulous calculations before each swing. When the group reached the 10th hole Danny looked at his watch and said, “I’m hungry. I’m going to the clubhouse. Anyone want anything?”
Jerry Yang said, “Yeah, I’ll take a club sandwich.” Sergey and Larry also both ordered food. Danny said, “Right,” and headed off toward the clubhouse. Larry and Sergey went back to their meticulous calculations but Jerry watched in surprise as Danny headed toward the lake. Much to Jerry’s surprise, Danny walked right out onto the water and crossed the lake. Jerry ran up to the lake shore and looked down into the water.
By the time Danny came back Sergey had taken his shot and Larry was calculating the amount of energy he would have to put into his swing to beat Sergey. Danny handed out the sandwiches and Jerry said, “Hey! There’s nothing to drink. I’ll go get us all some drinks!”
He ran off toward the clubhouse across the lake, splashing all the way. Sergey watched in astonishment as Jerry brought the drinks back. “Larry! Larry! Look at that!” Sergey cried just as Larry swung, missing the ball.
Sergey ran down to the lake, passing Jerry. Danny and Larry followed Sergey as he leaped out onto the water like a ballerina in mid-air. Crying out “Wahoo!” Sergey landed in the water with a huge KER-SPLASH and he sank beneath the surface.
Danny, Jerry, and Larry all dove in to rescue Sergey. When they got him back on shore Jerry said, “Sorry Serge. I should have told you about the rocks.”
And Danny said, “What rocks?”
Jim Boykin and the Reciprocal Linker
Jim Boykin hired a new link ninja right out of college. She was so excited to work with the legendary WeBuildPages team she was fit to burst. The other ninjas gave her a warm welcome.
“So how do you get links?” the girl asked the more experienced link ninjas.
“We ask for them.” one of the ninjas said. “But you can’t just ask. You have to ask the right people, and that means a lot of work.”
“Yeah,” said another ninja. “You have to find great pages and see how well they rank and how old they are. You can’t just ask any old page for a link.”
So the girl set to work finding pages. She came across a really great site and sent an email to the site owner. “Hi! I work for Jim Boykin. I’m a link ninja! Would you please link to my client site?”
The site owner wrote back, “No thanks. We don’t link out.”
So the girl was disappointed. “Cheer up,” Jim told her. “It just takes time. Keep trying.”
So the girl sent another email to the site owner. “Would you please link to my client site?”
The site owner wrote back and said, “No. I told you that already. Please leave me alone.”
Discouraged, the girl shared her woe with the other link ninjas. “Hey, it just takes perserverence,” one of the said. “Yup,” said another. “Try, try again.”
So the girl sent another email to the site owner. “Hi! I just thought I would ask again, would you please link to my client’s page?”
The angry site owner wrote back, “NO! And if you ask for a link again I’ll nail your hands to your keyboard!”
By now, however, the new link ninja thought she had gotten the swing of things. So she perservered and wrote back, “Do you have any nails?”
The site owner replied, “Nails? No, I don’t have any nails!”
“Good,” the girl returned. “Will you please link to my client’s page?”
Larry Page, Sergey Brin, and Saint Peter
Larry Page and Sergey Brin died and went to Heaven. Saint Peter met them at the pearly gates and looked them up and down. “Who are you?” he said.
“I’m Larry Page,” Larry said.
“And what did you do in life?” Saint Peter asked.
“Well, Sergey and I invented PageRank, which we named for me,” Larry answered. He immediately wondered if he should be feeling so proud, but Sergey was looking suitably humble.
Just then an SEO died and stood before Saint Peter.
“Who are you?” Saint Peter asked.
“I’m a poor Webmaster,” the SEO said. “I’ve worked hard all my life and only tried to help my family. But just before my father died he handed me this note and said I should give it to you.”
Saint Peter took the note, read it, and admitted the SEO to Heaven.
“Hey, what about us?” Larry and Sergey demanded together. But just at that moment a spammer died and stood before Saint Peter.
“Who are you?” Saint Peter demanded.
“I’m a poor spammer,” the new soul told him. “I lied, cheated, and stole. I dropped links on every Web site. I got several hosting services banned from search engines. But I finally saw the light on my deathbed and I’d like to be allowed into Heaven.” At that moment the SEO who had just entered Heaven said, “That’s my brother! I’ll vouch for him! Please let him in!”
Saint Peter stroked his beard thoughtfully for a moment and then nodded. The spammer beamed and sprouted white wings as he walked through the pearly gates.
Larry and Sergey were getting a little impatient with Saint Peter so they stood squarely in front of him. “Hey! Are you going to let us in or not?” Larry demanded. “I’ll vouch for Sergey here!” “And I’ll vouch for Larry!” Sergey said quickly.
Saint Peter reluctantly agreed to admit the two to Heaven. “But first,” he said, “I want you two to take the side entrance.”
“Side entrance?” Larry demanded angrily. “Why?”
“I don’t want anyone to see you since you don’t come with any good references,” Saint Peter replied.
Apostolos Gerasoulis
Apostolos Gerasoulis was walking along a beach one day when a commanding voice spoke to him. “Apostolos! You have done well in life, but now it is time to meet your maker!”
Disappointed that he had not yet achieved his goals in life, Apostolos knelt down and prayed. “Lord,” he said. “All I ask is one more day. One more day. Then I will be ready to die and come be with you.”
“Today is your day, Apostolos,” the commanding voice said. “But I will grant you one wish. Whatever boon you crave for any friend or relative, so shall it be. I am merficul.”
Thinking for a moment, Apostolos said carefully, “Lord, if I could have one boon, only one boon, then I ask that you allow my greatest dream to come true. Let Ask beat Google! Let Ask be the darling of the world of search! Let Ask become the most popular search engine!”
There was a short pause and finally the commanding voice said, “How about another 20 years of life?”
Jeremy Zawodny and Jerry Yang
Jeremy Zawodny was working hard one day when Jerry Yang called him. “Jeremy, I have a mission for you,” Jerry said.
Jeremy was ready to go. “Anything, Jerry! Just name it!”
“I want you to hire Matt Cutts away from Google,” Jerry said. “Offer him 3 months’ vacation a year. Offer him double his current salary. Bring him to me, Jeremy. I know you can do that.”
“Double his salary! 3 months’ vacation! Wow!” Jeremy said. “So if I hire Matt Cutts, what will be in it for me?”
Jerry said quietly, “Well, there will be a job opening at Google….”
{ 0 comments… add one now }
You must log in to post a comment.